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by sue-sylvester-shuffle
Summary: "I do love Monica, but I just can't shake the feeling that I... I still love... you." J/C slash. Originally written on July 24th, 2013 (but only finished recently)


** Summary: His eyes should be on his bride, he knows that. But Chandler can't stop staring at a certain someone else and wondering about the possible future he gave up.**

"I do." said Monica. Her voice was wavering slightly, and she looked up into Chandler's face with warm eyes.

Chandler opened his mouth, but his tongue felt like it was made of sand. He closed it quickly. Monica's pretty face was just in front of his… she would be his _wife, _if he would just say those two, small words…

But something else was catching his attention. That something was standing just to his right, grinning like a fool in his 20th century solider's uniform. Chandler started staring but then he couldn't stop. What was he giving up, standing there beside Monica?

"Chandler…" hissed Monica out of the corner of her mouth. Her gaze was stony; she obviously wanted her wedding day to be _perfect. _And that meant that Chandler needed to answer, _pronto._

"I do…" Chandler stammered out.

All around them, people began to clap and cheer. However, two more words fell out of Chandler's mouth: "…not know."

The clapping stopped. Smiles faded off of faces, crumpling like paper in water. Monica looked horrified, and from behind her, Rachel and Phoebe were exchanging incredulous looks.

"What are you doing, man?" asked Joey dubiously. But Chandler simply turned around, pushed past the wide-eyed Ross, and ran.

His heart was pounding. His hands were sweating. His footsteps sounded overloud and unnatural in the empty hallway. Chandler didn't know where he was going… all he knew was that he had blown his chance. Going back in there was not an option.

He had to get away.

Chandler fled the chapel and kept running. There was a huge tree outside, which he collapsed under. Once he was sitting, he felt a tear run down his cheek.

_What had he just done…?_

"Dude?"

Chandler looked up to see Joey standing in front of him. Alone. Chandler wasn't sure how to feel about this; part of him was glad that Monica wasn't there, because he did _not _want to have to brave her fury. However, he would have thought that _someone _else would have cared enough to come looking. He always knew Joey would come, though. Always.

Chandler didn't say anything in response. He just wiped his eyes and avoided his old roommate's gaze.

Joey sat down beside Chandler. "Don't feel bad about that, man." he advised. "Everyone gets nervous before their weddings. It's natural. Now why don't we head back inside and you can-"

"I can't do it." Chandler murmured.

Joey frowned. "Why not? Don't you love Monica?"

"Yes!" Chandler exclaimed, and felt more tears roll down his face. "That's the problem. I _do _love Monica, but I just can't shake the feeling that I… I still love… _you._"

At first, Joey was silent. He reached over and put his arm around Chandler's shoulders. "Wow, Chandler… I never would've thought… I thought that when you moved out, that was it for us…"

"I did too." Chandler muttered. "And I _so _wanted it to be… I love Monica so much… she probably hates me now…"

He broke down, sobbing. Joey pulled his friend closer, whispering reassuringly to him. "Let's get out of here." he suggested gently. "You can always talk to Monica later."

Chandler nodded. They stood up, and Joey, still holding his friend close, walked toward his rented car.

As soon as they got back to the apartment, Chandler went to lie down on Joey's bed. Joey, on the other hand, cracked open a beer and drank from it greedily. He could barely imagine what was going on at the chapel, but he knew that it would only get worse when Monica returned home. Perhaps a few bottles could take the edge off, at least…

Not long after that, Chandler came out of the bedroom. "Do you think it's possible to drown yourself in the shower?" he wondered out loud.

Joey sighed. "C'mon, dude, don't talk like that. When Monica comes back, just explain everything to her."

"And you don't think she'll be mad?" Chandler asked incredulously. "She thought we were _done._ How do you think she'll react now?"

"Wait, wait. Are we even an _us?_" inquired Joey.

"Well, do you love me?"

After a few moments, Joey nodded. "'Course I do, dude. When you hooked up with Monica, I… I missed you. A lot." He put down his beer and reached out to hug Chandler. However, Chandler grabbed the beer and took a large sip.

"Sorry." he said as he slammed it back down onto the counter. "I can't be completely sober when Monica comes back. It'll kill me… if she doesn't do it first."

Joey chuckled. He opened his mouth to speak, but all of a sudden, the door flew open. Monica stormed in.

"Chandler, what were you _thinking?!_" she shouted.

Chandler winced. "Hi… Monica."

"Hey, cut the poor guy some slack, okay?" Joey argued. "He had a really bad day."

"Yeah, 'cause it was really taxing, running out on me like that!" Monica screeched. "That was my _wedding_… it was my perfect day, and you _ruined _it!"

Chandler looked humiliated. "Monica, I'm sorry that I ran out. I really wanted to marry you… but…"

"But _what?_"

"But I couldn't."

Monica looked furious. "Why not!?"

Chandler opened his mouth but no words came out. Joey, seeing this, stepped in front of his friend. "Did you even want to marry Chandler!?" he asked.

"Of course!" Monica snapped.

"No. I know you wanted to get married… but do you even love Chandler?"

"Love?" Monica was taken by surprise. "Of _course _I love Chandler. What does that even matter to you?"

"Because I-" Joey began, but the words died down in his throat when he saw Chandler. He was shaking his head slowly, and the look in his eyes said, _Please._

"Because, um, Chandler is my best friend and I, uh, I really care about him." Joey finished lamely.

Monica eyed him suspiciously. Of course she was still thinking of when Joey and Chandler were very open about their relationship. Sitting on the couch in Central Perk, with their arms around each other. Exchanging gifts on Valentine's Day. She had felt very left out; Chandler was supposed to be _hers. _Hers, and not Joey's.

Was that going to happen again?

"Joey, you're not involved in this." Monica said. "Let me talk to Chandler alone."

"I _am _involved in this." growled Joey.

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am!"

Finally, Chandler could take it no longer. "I didn't marry you because I still love Joey!" he exclaimed.

"_What!?_" Monica shouted.

"It's true." Chandler said quietly.

Monica opened her mouth, as if she was going to say something, but then she whirled around and ran out of the apartment.

"Monica!" Chandler called. He ran after her with Joey on his heels.

Monica slammed the door to their apartment in his face. When Chandler tried to get in, he found that she had locked it.

"Oh." Chandler breathed.

"Hey, man…" Joey tentatively placed a hand on Chandler's shoulder. However, he jerked away from Joey's touch and ran into Joey's apartment, and right into the room that was once his.

When Joey knocked, he was told to go away. When he tried to open the door, he found that Chandler had put something heavy in front of it. He couldn't get in.

So Joey gave up. He went to bed, hoping that Chandler would be ready to talk in the morning.

Sunlight streamed through the windows, making Joey wake up. His eyes fluttered open, and he glanced around dazedly before remembering the events of the day previous.

"Chandler!" he gasped, and jumped out of bed.

The door to Chandler's old room was open. Joey went inside, but the room was empty. The blankets were heaped at the foot of the bed. When Joey touched them, they were cold.

"Chandler?" Joey called again, wandering out of the room and looking all around the apartment. "Where are you, buddy?"

Chandler was nowhere to be found, so Joey went across the hall and knocked on the door.

Rachel came to the door. "Oh… Joey. I was afraid it was Chandler."

"You mean he's not here?" Joey's brow creased with worry.

"No… why? Where is he?"

"I don't know." Joey was nervous. "He… well, he's not at my place… and if he's not here, I don't… I don't know where he could be."

Rachel bit her lip. "Hm… Joey, honey, I… I still care about Chandler, even if he didn't marry Monica, so I want to help you, but… Monica won't be happy about it."

"Okay." Joey sighed, and turned around. "Bye, Rach. Thanks anyway." He headed sulkily down the stairs, his thoughts inhabited only by fear for Chandler's safety.

However, he could hear Rachel and the rest of them talking inside. "What was that, Rachel?" Monica's voice.

"Oh… it was Joey. He says, um, he says that Chandler's gone missing."

"Really?" This was Phoebe speaking. "Well, we should help him!"

_Good for Phoebe. _Joey thought to himself, creeping back and pressing one ear to the wall.

"To _hell _with him." snapped Monica. "I don't care where he is."

Anger bubbled inside of Joey's stomach, lapping at him like flames. He ignored it and kept listening.

"Now, Mon, you can't say that." Rachel chided. "You _were _going to marry him, you do realize! We should at least make sure he's okay."

"I'm sure he's okay." Monica said bitterly. "He has Joey." She spat out his name as if it were laced with poison.

"Well, whatever. _I'm _a better friend than that." Phoebe retorted. There was the sound of advancing footsteps, and then Phoebe was coming up to him. Quickly, Joey pulled away from the wall.

"Hi, Phoebe." Joey said.

"Hi, Joey." She smiled sympathetically. "I'm sure Chandler is okay. I just know it. I'm psychic, you know."

Joey nodded, and smiled back. "I know. Thanks, Phoebs."

All of a sudden, they heard more voices from inside. Instantaneously, both Phoebe and Joey pressed their ears against the wall.

"…really think I should go too."

"Why?" Monica asked angrily.

"Because I care about Chandler." Rachel replied fiercely. "And… I care about Joey, too. He must be really worried. And, if I helped, maybe we would find Chandler sooner, and put all of our minds at rest."

"Okay. Whatever… do what you want, Rach." Monica sighed.

"Sounds like Rachel is going to help, too." Phoebe whispered to Joey, just as Rachel appeared in the hallway.

"Hi, Joey." she said softly, coming over to them. "I'm sorry about before, at the door. I'm going to help now."

"You know, with all this searching for Chandler stuff, I bet he's just at Central Perk." Phoebe giggled.

"Maybe." Joey conceded. "I'm just worried… he was really upset last night."

Phoebe and Rachel nodded. "That's right… the wedding." muttered Rachel. "Why did he leave Monica, anyway?"

"Because he…" Joey trailed off; maybe Chandler wouldn't appreciate them knowing, if Monica hadn't already told them. "He, uh… I think that's something that should stay secret for now."

Rachel nodded understandingly, as Phoebe shrieked, "Ooh, secrets! I love secrets!"

"So… let's go." Joey said. He and the two blondes left the building. First of all, they checked Central Perk.

"Is Chandler here?" Rachel called out to Gunther, who shook his head.

"Crap." Joey glared down at his feet. "We're _never _gonna find him." He felt like punching a wall, or, better yet, himself. If only he had kept a better watch on Chandler…

"Oh, honey." Rachel patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Don't think like that. We're going to find Chandler, and he's going to be _fine. _You hear me?"

"I do." Phoebe piped up.

Joey nodded. "Yeah… yeah, okay." All of a sudden, he gasped. "Oh! I might know where he is!"

"Are you serious?" Phoebe gasped.

"Where?" added Rachel.

"Come with me." was Joey's response. He ran off, with Rachel and Phoebe at his tail.

"Look. Isn't that him?"

The three of them were approaching the closest corner store. Sitting outside, holding a lit cigarette and looking glum, was _definitely _Chandler.

"Yes!" Rachel hissed. "Yes, that's him! Oh, Joey, you _do _know him well. And see, he's just fine!"

She, Joey, and Phoebe ran out. "Chandler!" called the Italian actor.

Chandler looked up. A flash of alarm ran through his eyes when he saw his friends. "Oh… hi, guys…"

Phoebe and Rachel hung back as Joey rushed over to sit down next to his best friend. "First, I'm taking this." He plucked the cigarette from Chandler's hand.

"Hey." Chandler looked as angry as he could while still having the look of a small child whose toy had been taken away from them.

"Don't 'hey' me." Joey mushed the lit end of it onto the ground, and then handed it back to Chandler. The other man stared dolefully at the slightly fuming piece of garbage, before sighing and tossing it into a nearby trash can.

"What are you doing here, man?" asked Chandler. His eyes travelled from Joey, to Rachel and Phoebe, and back to Joey.

"We were looking for you." Joey replied gently. "I was kinda worried, dude. I didn't know where you'd gone."

"Why bother worrying?" Chandler sighed. "I messed up, Joe. Monica's furious… she'll never forgive me, she'll never take me back now. And I love you, Joe… but no one will ever want us to be happy. They'll just want me to lead a _normal _life with… with Mon."

"Those guys want us to be happy." Joey reminded him, gesturing back at Phoebe and Rachel, who were watching the scene from afar. "They care enough to come with me to try and find you, dude."

Chandler nodded, staring at the ground between his knees. After a few moments, however, he looked up and met Joey's eyes, a small smile flickering across his face. "Thanks for coming, dude." he said. "It means a lot that… that you were worried about me."

"No problem." Joey grinned back. He stood up, and offered his hand out to Chandler. "You good?"

"Yeah." Chandler took it and got to his feet as well.

They stared at each other for a few moments. Something passed between their gazes. And then, as if planned, they both lurched forward and hugged each other.

"I'm glad you're okay." Joey said. "Let's go home now, okay, Chan?"

Immediately, the smile melted off of Chandler's face. "Joey, I… I can't go back. I can't face Monica, not now."

Joey reached down and took Chandler's hand in his own. His ex-roommate's hand was warm in his, despite the fact that it had been on the curb a few minutes earlier. Joey enjoyed the feeling of their fingers entwined, sewn together.

All of a sudden, Joey had an idea. Chandler was right; they couldn't go back to the others now. Even with Rachel and Phoebe on their side, Monica and Ross would never forgive them. They could never fit in again; their lives could never just ease back into normalcy.

"Then why don't we move away?" Joey asked suddenly. His voice was vibrating with excitement. "Together, I mean."

Chandler looked astonished. "Joey, are you serious?"

Joey nodded excitedly. "Yeah, yeah! I am! Totally serious."

Chandler didn't know what to say. Just yesterday, he had been standing up on the altar with Monica. Now Joey was asking him to run away together?

However, the choice was clear to him. Joey was the reason he hadn't married Monica; if he didn't spend the rest of his life with Joey, leaving Monica at the altar would have been for naught.

"I love you, Joey." Chandler said slowly. "And I'd travel to the ends of the Earth with you. Just give me the word."

Five years later…

"I'm home!" Joey exclaimed, throwing his keys on the table.

"Hi, Joe!" Chandler approached his husband, holding their two-year-old daughter, Gloria, in his arms.

They had adopted Gloria, and Joey had wanted to name her after his mother, Gloria Tribbiani. Chandler had had no objections; obviously he had no desire to name their child after either of his parents. Plus, Gloria was a pretty name.

They liked to say that she looked like them a bit, with her shock of dark hair and big eyes. Chandler was grinning widely as the two of them glanced down at her, with one hand shoved inside her mouth.

"So what've you guys been up to?" asked Joey.

"Not much. But hey, y'know, Baywatch was on." Chandler replied.

"Awesome!" All of a sudden, Joey grinned. "Did you watch it with Gloria?"

"Um…" Chandler frowned. "…Yeah?"

"Dude!" Joey raised one hand to high-five Chandler. His partner's frown turned upside down as he smacked Joey's palm.

"Gloria and I haven't been out all day, though. What do you say we go out to the park?" suggested Chandler.

Joey nodded. "Awesome!"

Fortunately for the Tribbiani-Bings, there was a little park not far from where they lived. So they put Gloria in the stroller and walked on over.

Chandler and Joey sat in the soft grass, watching Gloria play idly between them. All of a sudden, however, Joey said, "Ooh. There's a pretzel vendor over there, Chan. I'm gonna go over, okay?"

"Alright." Chandler replied. "Get me one too."

"Okay." Joey stood up, wiped the dirt off of his pants, and headed off.

As soon as he had gone, a little boy wandered over to Gloria. He looked like he was about the same age. Chandler laughed softly at the two children together, just as a dark-haired woman bustled over to the boy.

"I'm sorry." she said.

"Oh, that's okay." Chandler looked up at the woman, and immediately froze. She had obviously recognized him at the same time that he had recognized her; he was sure that her look of sheer horror mirrored his exactly.

"Chandler." she said quietly.

"Monica." came his response.

They just stared at each other, not saying anything, until the horrible silence was broken by a shriek of laughter. Chandler swung his head over to see that Gloria and Monica's son were playing together, throwing little handfuls of grass at each other.

Monica met his eyes, and they shared a wordless connection. Sighing, she sat down on the grass next to him.

"What's her name?" the chef asked.

"Gloria." replied Chandler. "What about him?"

"That's Daniel." Monica informed him. "So, uh, she's yours. I suppose she's… she's Joey's, too, then?"

Chandler nodded. "Yeah, that's right. He's just off getting soft pretzels."

"Typical Joey." Monica laughed hollowly. "And, um, I bet you're wondering who Daniel's father is?"

"Not really."

Monica frowned; evidently that wasn't the response she was looking for. "Well, Daniel's father is Richard."

"Richard." Chandler tried the name, a name he hadn't used in years, and wasn't surprised to find that he didn't shiver like he did before. He no longer lived in fear of a name, a ghost of a person, a relationship that could have been. "I should've known."

Monica nodded slowly. However, it looked like she had something on her mind. And knowing Monica, she was going to say it.

Chandler stared at her. She was like a ticking time bomb; he knew that what she was waiting to say was dangerous.

And then it came out.

"These could have been our kids, you know."

Chandler cringed. Not because her words were like little daggers ripping away at him, but because he knew she was right. And she knew that he knew it, too.

"Come on, Monica. Stop guilt-tripping me already."

"Guilt-tripping?! You left me at the altar, Chandler!"

"I _couldn't _marry you, Monica, I was in love with Joey!"

"We were getting _married! _Don't you have any respect for-"

"Can't you just stop? Please. I'm happy now; don't you care at _all?_" This outburst was unlike his others. His words were wobbly and filled with emotion, and it sounded like he could have cried right there.

Monica fell silent, as if a zipper had been drawn across her lips.

"Yes, they _could _be our kids." Chandler continued tremulously. "Sure, that's true. But… they're _not. _Joey is Gloria's father, too. A-And… I'm _happy, _Monica. I really am. I've finally found my place. So… have a nice life. I don't want any part of it."

Leaving Monica gawking at him in awe, Chandler got to his feet, and scooped Gloria up into his arms. After dumping her in the stroller, he turned around, starting to walk away.

However, his ex-fiancee's voice rang out from behind him. "All I want is an apology."

Chandler stopped in his tracks. He didn't turn around; he just stared ahead of him, anger bubbling up inside of him. _Apologize? What for?!_

He could see Joey coming toward him, a little figure in the distance. The sight of his husband made Chandler relax a bit. Courage flowed through him, and he called out, "Sorry for what? Sorry that I'm _happy?_"

And with that, he continued walking away, not waiting for a response from Monica. He didn't want to hear it. It would just rile him up more.

When he met up with Joey, the Italian grinned and handed him his pretzel. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Chandler took it.

"Hey, are you okay? You look kinda anxious." Joey said, frowning.

"I'm okay." Chandler took a bite of his pretzel, and smiled. "I just saw someone I wasn't expecting to, that's all."

"Oh." Joey bit into his own pretzel. "Who?"

"No one you need to worry about." Chandler replied, and smiled.

"Alright, cool." Joey smiled back. "Well, wanna go home now?"

"Sure." Chandler stared at his husband for a few moments, and then added, "I love you, Joey. I'm sure glad you asked me to run away with you all those years ago, because… look what we have now."

They both glanced down at Gloria, and then back up at each other. "Aw, thanks, Chan. I love you too."

And in that moment, Chandler forgot all about breaking down in front of Monica. All he remembered were his words.

_I'm happy, Monica, I really am. I've finally found my place._

This was his place.

With Joey, and Gloria, just the three of them. A family.

A _home._

end


End file.
